I thought about killing myself now I’m miserable, scared, lonely, and mostly I hate myself. I can only imagine this is what they mean by ‘moody teenager’, though I hope if I somehow have it worse. Because if I do have it worse, I can justify bringing everyone else around me down, but even that’s not an excuse. I’m such a waste of space, even if I have adhd I can’t do what is asked of me, I’ve cheated on all my schoolwork for all of my 14th year, and high school is coming to strip me naked in front of everyone. I’m so alone even in that, I acted like going to school would suddenly give me friends, but I feel like nobody likes me. I’m constantly an antagonist and nobody checks up on me, but I can’t act like that last part isn’t my fault, I’m terrible at opening up. I fantasize and weep at the thought of telling my parents that I’m not doing well, and they ask me so wonderfully constantly, yet I act like I’m fine. I don’t know why. I’m so scared for my miserable future, the earth is dying and I’m powerless, nobody listens to me and it makes me feel like an idiot, I just want to die. I want to die and leave this horrible difficult world, I’m useless. I can’t do anything life expects of me, I’m so humiliated when people joke about me caring for myself, or congratulating me for the bare necessities, I’m worthless to not be able to do these easy tasks. I wish I had died that day I fainted, I wish I tumbled down without noticing and never woke up. I’ll never compare to what life itself expects of me, so why don’t I just die? But I can’t, whether it be survival instinct or some voice telling me I’m just being dramatic. Plus, dying is scary. I really really should tell someone, but as I said im broken. If I can finally manage to end my miserable excuse for a will, just know I’m so aware that I am loved and I have loved, I’ve made people feel better, I’ve felt better. But right now, the burden of current expectations and future expectations weigh on me like I have a broken leg. It’s a testament to how useless I truly am. I really really wish I could kill myself right now.